Validate Their Feelings

advice for fathers

Many years ago when I was having some marital problems I decided to do a little research to find out why my wife was acting so funny. Over the course of a few months I did a lot of studying. I learned that my wife was just acting like a woman and I was just acting like a man. We think different and we act different. That short study completely changed the way I communicate with people. Especially with my wife and daughters.

The most important knowledge that I obtained was that about validation. Men are problem solvers by nature and woman need to have their feeling validated on a constant basis. A man talking to another man on the phone might go something like this " hey, do you want to go to the game this afternoon?" "Sure, what time?" "I'll pick you up at five" "great, see you then". Business taken care of and decisions made, we are off the phone. Two ladies on the other hand would spend the next hour deciding what to wear, what type of snacks to bring and so on and so on. Apparently women talk so much with other women because they have a need to have their feelings and thoughts listened to and understood by somebody. Most of us men just cannot fill that role. We basically want to know what the problem is, the short version, so we can come up with a quick solution and get back to whatever we were doing.

The change this knowledge has made for me has been that I listen a lot more. I ask a lot more questions just to make sure the person I am talking to has had a chance to say everything they feel about a subject. Most importantly, I don't look at every conversation as a problem in need of solving. If I can't ask enough questions to help that person formulate a decision or opinion on their own, I may offer several options or suggest ways of further looking into the matter, but I don't offer a solution to every discussion.

This new way of talking and listening has worked like magic in my parenting skills. With the use of leading questions and actually acting like I am interested in what they have to say I can keep my kids talking for hours sometimes. It is a real self-esteem booster for a child to have a parent that really cares about their thoughts and opinions.

Shortly after my studies began I had this conversation with my high school aged daughter. She started with something like this "Dad I have a little problem at school". She went on to tell me about some sort of situation with another student and I was trying hard to get all the information so maybe she could talk herself around to coming up with her own solution. So I am saying things like "I bet that made you feel real bad" or "so, How did you feel after you said that". I was saying all the things I could to show her I was interested in what she had to say. After a few minutes of this she looked at me and said "dad, I don't need my feelings validated here, I just need a solution to my problem". I will never forget that day but I will also never forget to do a lot more listening and asking relevant questions than I do talking. It's a great way to show people you care about them, especially if those people are your wife and kids.

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