Friendly Divorce
Doing What's Best For The Kids
Is divorce in the near future for you? If so, would you consider making it a friendly divorce? If kids are involved, that's all the more reason to make the divorce as friendly as possible.
More and more modern day divorces are just that, friendly, or at least on good terms. And that's good news for the kids involved. Divorce is tough enough on them, fighting parents just makes it that much worse.
Another big change in modern day divorces is that joint parenting is becoming the norm as opposed to the day when mom got the kids and dad had them every other weekend. Joint parenting works, and it works even better when both parent get along, if only for the sake of the kids. It's even possible to eventually become friends with your ex, if you really try.
Mediation
Seeking a friendly divorce is done through mediation, collaboration and do-it-yourself divorce kits. These methods avoid long, expensive, court battles involving attorneys and usually ending in bad feelings on every ones part. Going before the judge with an agreement already in place is the best way to move forward in a positive way, a way that will benefit the children the most. The hurt feelings one can receive while being cross examined by your spouses attorney can stay with you for years, and get in the way of positive communication.
When considering the costs of a divorce it's helpful to consider who would benefit the most from your money, attorneys or your children. A traditional divorce can run between ten to fifteen thousand dollars for both parents. A mediated divorce will cost about a thousand dollars. That's a big difference. A collaborated divorce involves more people, and therefore more costs, but still less than a traditional divorce. A collaborated divorce may involve financial advisers, divorce coaches and maybe a psychologist. The result is the same, however, you go before a judge with a plan already in place.
Friendly divorces and joint custody means that both mom and dad can attend parent teacher conferences together, get along, and talk about what is best for their child. They can work together to get one child to baseball and another to dance lessons. It is not uncommon for parents to have keys to each others houses for those little emergencies that always happen.
One of many different arrangements I've been involved in had me going to my ex's house each morning to get my three daughters off to school. My ex would leave for work about the time I walked in the door and took over with the girls. Kids are kids, and no sooner than I had locked the house up, and we were off for school, one of them had forgotten something. My having a house key was a necessary part of this arrangement.
I have many joint parenting stories to tell, because, I am a great joint parenting parent, but not such a good husband, I guess. I have always put my kids first and made every effort to get along with both my ex's. With that comes gaining their trust, which is an important ingredient to some of the more creative joint parenting arrangements.
My second divorce, a very friendly divorce, involved only one child, a teenage daughter. Parents of teenagers will soon learn that their lives can be very disrupted when they are forced to go back and forth between households. This is probably not so bad when the homes are close enough that the kids can keep the same routine, friends, activities and so forth. Our solution was to keep our daughters life as normal as possible, in other words, she got the house. My ex and I each had another place to stay but managed to work it so one of us was in the house with our daughter at all times. A strange arrangement but it worked, and our daughter loved it and did just fine.
Another man I know lives several states away from his daughter. He flies to see her every other weekend. He can afford the tickets, but not much more. he stays at his ex's house on his visits. He has the guest room and always spends quality time with his daughter. Another man I know lived in the mother-in-law quarters of the house he and his wife shared. He did this for many years while they raised their son. A little different, a friendly divorce for sure, and it worked.
Looking back on things, from an older mans perspective, I am glad I did things the way I did. I did a lot of things for my daughters, and one of the hardest at times, was getting along with their mothers. But I always bent over backwards to do so. Why? My oldest daughter married a handsome young man not long ago and she was escorted down the aisle by her mother and her father. Just the way she wanted it. Her mother and I spent several days in very close contact throughout the celebrations, never once letting on that we were ever anything but best friends. Not long after that another daughter graduated from college. My ex, myself, and grandparents all sat together during the ceremony and partied together afterwards. I have attended many graduations with my ex, they are very proud moments for parents, ones that should be shared by both. Look ahead at these events coming up in your life, because they eventually will, and make a decision now, to be their together, when they happen.
So if a divorce is eminent, consider a friendly divorce. Save some money, work things out with a mediator, and make the best of it for the kids.
Related pages at Parenting Magic
Divorce and Child Custody : Divorce : Dealing With A Step Child
