Dealing With A Step Child

Learning To Love Yours

Dealing With A Step Child By Emily Bouchard

A challenge that lots of step parents face, but few will state, is that they aren't fond of one of their step kids. They are crazy about their partner, they love their children, and they see that they do not like their stepchildren very much because of their behavior.

When a step mom tells me that they are experiencing this situation, the first thing I do is "get" her on how annoying the circumstance is for her. We examine every one of her feelings around it and get a sense for what actions her stepchild is doing which frustrate her so badly.

Following this release of negative feelings, we change the focus to look at the ways the child is a gift in her life. We see what this child is there to teach her and help her understand about herself better.

The simplest way to get the present that is under your nose is to ask yourself what life was like for you when you were this child's age. What were you going through? What did you want from a parent/guardian at that age? What were the messages you got about how to be a wonderful child at that time?

Most of the time we believe that someone else has to change for the problem to go away. The reality is that they can act however they want, and the one thing we have control over is how we choose to react to our circumstances.

If we constantly tell ourselves that the child is belligerent, then we will see evidence of that and respond to it. However, when we tell ourselves that the child is hurt, we have the tendency to be more empathetic and understanding, and possibly even loving, as we support them in working passed what is not right in their life.

Action Step: Do you have a person in your life that makes you feel a lot of pain? Take some time to fully explore how that person is a hidden jewel in your life. What is it that they are here to teach you? What kinds of things do they uncover about yourself?

Write down a detailed description of the person. Then, with each statement, ask yourself the ways that you are treating that certain person in a similar way - maybe in your thinking, maybe in the way you talk about them behind their back. How do you treat that person when you think those negative thoughts about them? How does it serve you to think that way about them? And, lastly, how would you think and feel differently if you didn't believe those things about them?

About the Author

Emily Bouchard has created a free video explaining how to raise both children and children from different family backgrounds under the same roof. Learn her #1 secret for successfully blending families.

Dealing with a step child is difficult on many levels, not loving them as one of your own just makes it worse.  Is it possible to ever accept, and love, a step child like one of your own children?  Yes, I believe it is, but it does not always come automatic, you may have to put some effort into it.  To be an effective step parent it does, however, need to be done.  The other problems and challenges all become easier when you truly love the child.

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