Dealing With A Bully
Bullying - An Ongoing Threat to Today's Teens
Dealing With A Bully By Jacquie Ream
Bullies
used to simply shake down the weaker kids for lunch money, but these days, the
bully business has gone online, and it's booming. According to a 2009 survey of
2,000 middle school students by the Cyberbullying Research Center, 9.4 percent
said they were recent victims of cyberbullying, while 17.3 percent claimed to be
"lifetime" victims of online bullies.
Moreover, according to a recent Harris Interactive Cyberbullying Research Report, commissioned by the National Crime Prevention Council, 81 percent of teens surveyed find cyberbullying funny. Further, recent information on cyberbullying shows that it can lead to depression, anxiety, even suicide.
Jacquie Ream, author of the children's book Bully Dogs from Book Publisher's Network, (www.bookpublishersnetwork.com) feels very strongly about bullies. Rather than being statistical, Ream's concern about bullying is the real life affect it has on kids.
"Bullying is present in all children's lives, whether they are male or female, teens or younger, bullies or the bullied," she said. "It reigns on the schoolyard, in the classrooms, in the hallways, on sports teams, even on the Internet. Inside and outside of the classroom, kids are coming face to face with a new enemy, one who's often their age and their size. As parents and educators struggle to reach children who are being bullied, kids often end up dealing with bullies on their own."
Ream believes this is an ongoing issue for today's teens. She believes that parents and educators need to meet this crisis head on and give our kids the tools to deal with bullies. Self-confidence is one of those tools.
"It takes two for a conflict," she added. "If a child is able to boost their self confidence enough so that the bully's words no longer have any affect, that could eliminate a lot of the verbal and cyber-bullying that takes place. After all, a game only one can play is no fun. If the bully fails to have any affect on his victim, he'll likely stop."
Part of the solution is for parents to be actively involved with their children, Ream added.
"In homes where the parents are less than attentive or are strict disciplinarians, there is room for the cultivation of a bully or a victim," she said. "That is not to say that it won't happen in other homes as well. Bullies actually tend to have high self-esteem, contrary to popular belief, and have a low tolerance for frustration. If their role models are angry, hot tempered or physically aggressive, they can be led to believe that this is the way to deal with your frustrations. This is not always the case, but it should be a consideration."
The key is to find a way to open up the lines of communication for kids who are being bullied, Ream said. It is not easy for children to admit that they are being picked on. Being bullied can lead to loss of interest in activities, even excessive absences from school. It is up to the adults in our children's lives to help them find the tools necessary to stand up for themselves and say "stop."
"I am hopeful that children who are bullied will get the message that they can overcome their fear and find inner strength to fight back," said Ream.
About the Author
Jacquie Ream, author of Bully Dogs was born in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, and raised in San Bernardino, California. She attended college by way of writing scholarships and received her Master's degree in creative writing from the University of Washington. Jacquie has written three children's books and numerous short stories, including her most recent work, Bully Dogs. She currently lives in Seattle, Washington, with her husband.
Having been the victim of a few bullies myself I can understand the problem of dealing with a bully. My way of dealing with a bully is not the way you want your child to handle the situation. I put up with it because I was to embarrassed to talk about it. No one knew I had a problem and therefore nothing was done about it. It comes down to talking and communicating with your children. In order to deal with a bully you first have to know there is a bully present in your child's life, otherwise nothing will be done about it. You need open lines of communication with your children at all times, this is how you learn about the bullies and all the other things that go on at school. Learn the art of keeping your children talking and you will learn a lot.
What To Do If Your Child Is Accused Of Being A Bully By Steve and Lisa McChesney
Tips on what to do if your child is, or is accused of, being a bully. Has your child been labeled a bully? What do you do when they’ve been accused?
Parents, just like children, fall into the 'transference of blame' syndrome. I've heard various excuses from parents; "Their father left us", "There is a new baby in the house causing the sibling to strike out" or "Kid's pick on him/her", etc. Some of that may be true and they are acting out aggressive feelings, however, it doesn't justify the behavior.
Try and find out what is upsetting your child. Talk through any family problems that you may be having or problems in school. Parents may think there is no problem - that it's just a bit of teasing, or that it's natural for children to fight with one another.
Take all allegations of bullying seriously. What may seem natural to you may be causing great harm to others. When ever I ask a child WHY? The answer is usually "because he/she..." I stop them there, and say that their answer has to start with the word "I". They will begin again with "They were..." I stop them again and say "Start with "I"". I will go back and forth with them until they finally start with "I was..." Believe it or not, that is a major breakthrough in getting to the resolution.
What should a parent do? Well, the first thing is to let the child know that bullying is totally unacceptable behavior and has to stop. From that point it has to be an open discussion WITH the child, not AT the child. Listen to their side of the story. Remember, if you are too harsh, the child will not open up and talk.
They may be copying brothers, sisters, parents, or other relatives that they look up to. Parents must set a good example themselves. The bullying may be attention-getting tactics. Make sure the child is getting positive reinforcement for the good things that they do. Pay attention to them and notice when they are doing kind things, not just when they need scolding.
If you want to punish the child with grounding or taking away privileges, it may work in the short term but generally is not enough to change the behavior. Explain that bullying, whether its physical or verbal, causes great suffering in others. Let them know that you still love them, it's their behavior that must change.
They may think that they are not bullying. Explain that we are human and that we all have the capacity to bully. Also explain that name-calling, teasing, starting or spreading rumors, and ignoring are all bullying behaviors, not just hitting and pushing. If the child isn't willing to talk at first, let them know that you will be available to listen when they are ready. Also let them know that you will help them to change the behavior and correct the situation. Ask them how they think the bullying could stop. What do they think has to change in order for them to change? It’s a great way for them to work through, and create a solution themselves.
Avoid calling your child a 'Bully". The more you put the label out there, the more likely he/she will feel that's what they are and that they can't change. Always refer to it as 'bullying behavior'. Depending on the age of the child, they may not know any better. Young children, especially, need to be told that hurting another child is not acceptable. Let them know that using force or threats is not a way of getting what they want. Sometimes children who are bullying don't realize the pain they are creating both mentally and physically. Help your child understand what the victim might be feeling.
After you have thoroughly discussed the situation with your child, make an appointment to talk with their teacher. Be willing to listen to the teacher's perspective without being judgmental. Let the teacher know that you are willing to work with the school to help stop your child from bullying. Suggest perhaps that the teacher find a 'cooling off' spot where your child can go to calm down if the aggression starts. Also let the teacher know of any family problems that you might be experiencing.
I know the first instinct is to keep private things private, but you would be surprised how human beings can identify and relate. It gives you more support and assistance. Children who bully are often suffering from low self-esteem. Give your child love and reassurance. Do things to help build their self-esteem.
If your child seems very disturbed or his/her behavior is extreme, it could be a sign of a physical or mental disorder. Seek the advice of your doctor who may be able to refer you to counseling or provide medical assistance. Of all the behavior modifying techniques, I find the self-esteem building tools to be the best. When a child (or adult, for that matter) feels good about themselves, they tend to be friendly, happy, well adjusted individuals. That should be the first building block in developing a strong, positive foundation.
Steve and Lisa McChesney provide a daily tip newsletter on building the self-esteem and self-confidence in children and adults. Visit them at http://www.bullyfreekids.com
If your child is dealing with a bully, or if your child is the bully, make the most out of this page.
Related pages at Parenting Magic
Solving Parenting Problems :
Self Esteem Books :
Troubled Teens
Harry Potter And Bravery :
Child Safety :
Child Safety At Home
Fire Safety At Home :
Kids And The Internet :
Talking To Your Child
