After The Children
Reclaiming Your Identity After The Children
After the Children
Mother’s have many responsibilities and demands when caring for a family. With so many competing demands it’s no wonder many feel as though they have no identity of their own. Mothers, have an amazing ability to devote an abundance of love and attention to others however they often sorely neglect themselves. It is therefore not uncommon to hear of women who have prepared and fed their family and left themselves out preferring instead to continue the hundred and one chores on their to-do lists.
For some stay-at-home mothers who previously worked, having a career is strongly tied in with achievement and success. With this in mind such women fear being criticized and will not divulge to other parents that they find it more gratifying to work, earn money and acquire status in a company than stay at home and raise children. Whilst many would have a problem with this, we have to acknowledge that there is a fine line between raising children and having something that is uniquely ours which raises our self esteem, self worth and identity. So with this in mind, who cares for mothers? And how can you value yourself so that you are at your best to care for your family?
When examining your roles, do you feel unable to discard them and just be yourself at any time? Do you find it difficult to relax as you’re always thinking about what you should be doing next? Do you feel as though you have no ‘me’ time? And if you had, you simply would not know what to do with it?
Do you set yourself tasks each day which you cannot complete due to lack of time? Do you feel stressed and miserable if you don’t get things done? Or do you feel unable to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do or have no time for?
On a particular day last week, I had planned to take my child to two children’s activities in separate locations. I thought one of the activities might be overpriced, plus it was held in a different part of town to the other activity which meant going out of my way to drive there. In my mind it was important that my child had fun and played, however just getting ready to visit these two places could be stressful without adequate time to organize ourselves before departing. In the end, I reflected and decided that we would visit only one place therefore I would not need to rush and my child would still have a good time at one of the Children’s Centers.
Pausing for a moment, I allowed myself to assess my situation and realize that I was taking on too much trying to please my child who didn’t really care where we went so long as she had a good time.
With this in mind, are there any instances where you find yourself doing too much? Could you put some tasks off till another day? Could some activities be eliminated or reduced to take stress off you?
In order to help you re-claim your identity and sense of ‘self’:
- Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’. In order to preserve your sanity, say ‘no’ to unrealistic demands and people. Say ‘no’ to intolerable stress by re-prioritizing the things that are important to you and delegating, or leaving aside things that can wait.
- Before going to bed – Allow yourself time to turn the TV off or stop whatever task is consuming you and re-claim this time before going to bed. Consider what have you always enjoyed doing but haven’t the time for such as reading, writing, meditation? Use this as de-stress and unwind time. The kids should be in bed so concentrate on ‘YOU’
- Keep it simple – You’re task rich but time poor. Meaning you have endless tasks that continue on a daily basis such as washing up, house chores, taking the kids to activities etc. Of the things on your to-do list single out 4-5 major tasks that are essential and get them done as a priority. Anything else slot onto different days and attribute them a priority ranking, i.e. 1, 2, 3 or A, B, C etc. Don’t overload yourself with tasks or stress.
- Consider what you did to re-charge your batteries before you had children and plan how you can do this again. You may not be able to do it as frequently as you did before you had children but you do need to have fun and to lighten up. For me, it’s meeting up for a girly night out or going to a bar with my partner. Admittedly, due to money and babysitting constraints this does not occur often but when it does I feel like I’m more relaxed, strangely liberated and refreshed enough to deal with whatever presents itself the next day. My batteries have been recharged as I have re-claimed a little of my ‘old self’.
Samantha Elutilo is a Certified Life Coach specializing in Parental Coaching. If this article has struck a chord with you and you need help then please contact me for a FREE Non-obligation Consultation. Please see my website for contact details. www.positive-vision.co.uk
Thank you Samantha for the advice regarding after the children. It's a time in life all parents must come to terms with
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