Affairs and Children

Think Before You Do It

This page is mostly for the guys and deals with affairs and children.  It's for the guys who sleep with married women and the guys who stay home and take care of the kids.

I happen to be the one staying home with the child but I would not have it any other way.  My believes in marriage and child raising would not allow me to ever be the third party in a marriage.  I feel with all of my heart that these believes are right but I am not condemning those that think different.  I am merely trying to make you aware of some of the consequences of your actions.

I am in the middle of my second divorce.  The first time around I read and studied everything I could get my hands on regarding children and divorce.  I wanted to do everything I could for my children under these trying circumstances.  The views below are not just mine alone, they come from a lot of book work into how to bring kids out of a divorce still strong and thriving. 

This site is about parenting so I will make the assumption here that both parties in the marriage have the best interest of the children in mind.  If so, I can see very little reason for a divorce.  Children have the right to live under the same roof as both of their parents.  It should be a promise made to them at birth that everything will be done to make sure that happens.  This is why affairs and children can be such a sensitive topic.

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If the best interest of the children are the first priority with both parents then all options should be tried before an affair or a divorce.  As parents you both have a common goal, to raise your children the best way you know how.  This site is all about gaining the knowledge to do a great job of that.  If you both have that knowledge then you know divorce is seldom good for the children.  Your goal should be to not put them through it but to raise them together the way kids flourish the best.

That makes up the basis of my believe system.  It all comes down to this, put the needs of your children above your own.

This is for the men who sleep with married women.  Married women with children that is.  If you do it strictly for lust then you are pathetic.  The potential to negatively effect lives other than yours and hers is to great to take that kind of risk.  There are plenty enough single women out there, you should leave the married ones alone.  They need to sort out the issues that would put them in that situation to begin with and sleeping with them does not help with the kind of rational thinking they should be doing.  Try being a friend instead.

So what happens when you accidentally fall in love with a married women?  Well by all means, jump in bed with her the first chance you get and see how many lives you can change forever.  Children, husbands, parents, in-laws, aunts and uncles and anyone close to this family will begin to feel the changes for the worse.

The biggest change will be in the person you just fell in love with.  There is a reason why men seldom marry a woman after having an affair.  As soon as you sleep with her she is no longer the woman you or her husband fell in love with.  She becomes the woman every man would love to date but not marry.  Other guys will look at you like you are just the flavor of the month and wait for their chance.  She has proven to the world that her value system allows being unfaithful and to do it again would not go against her morals.

The second biggest factor in why you will not marry her is the lies.  They start before the affair begins and escalate once it starts.  You are the first to be lied to, after that everyone gets their turn.  She has to validate something that can not be validated.  There is never a valid reason for an affair, there is never a valid reason to break up a home that includes children and two loving parents.  The only way to validate something that cannot be validated is to lie.  She may at times even believe her lies but they are just that.  You have to believe just how rotten her life is and how you can change it for the better before you sleep with her.  That's the first lie, when she convinces you that her happiness is in your hands.

You do not possess that power, no one does.  A person chooses to be happy or not to be happy.  Until that person realizes that they, and only they, are responsible for their own happiness they will go through life unhappy most of the time.

An example of an unhappy woman is my first wife.  We had a nice home, three wonderful children and what I thought was a great life and future but she was not happy.  Two years into her second marriage, still not happy and another divorce.  She then married a doctor and moved into a beautiful custom home.  The last time I saw her there was not a hint of happiness on her face.  We are all in charge of our own happiness and don't let anyone fool you into believing otherwise.

So you have been lied to.  Her life is really not that bad, probably no worse than most parents out there that have to work everyday and take care of kids in the evening.  It's called being part of a family, it's called being married with children, it's called life.  Life that was good enough last week but now you have been given the power to make it so much better if you would just sleep with her.  You have been asked to jump into the messy territory of affairs and children.

The lies start with you and grow from there.  No matter how much she has convinced herself that an affair is in her best interest it will take a lot of lies to convince the rest of her family and friends.  These lies begin with the process known as justifying her reasons to break up a family.

She will make a list of all the bad things the husband has done and they will become the reasons for her actions.  This list is very one sided, of course, and sometimes quite cruel.  It is, however, a very important part of the process.  As some of the reasons get shot down by friends and family the list tends to grow.  It gets changed and altered depending on who she is talking to.  I am sometimes very amused as to what winds up on this list.  Things that I would never talk about in public are now common knowledge amongst family and friends.  This list of lies, partial truths and one sided stories becomes a major obstacle at a later date if the couple ever decides to stay married and work things out. 

Having an affair and not lying to your children in one way or another is almost impossible.  In my current situation my wife has been open to me about her affair and her intention to divorce me.  One day my fourteen year old daughter and I were talking about this new man that has been introduced into both of our lives.  This is a quote from that conversation, "I don't know what you are upset about dad, they are just friends, they aren't doing anything".  At this point I know different but she does not, she has been lied to by her own mom.  I find that so very sad.  Even sadder is when the child is asked to lie for the mother, either to the husband or family members.

What about family and friends?  They all get the lies in one form or another.  My personal favorite is this one.  "It is so hard being a single mom and raising three daughters by myself.  I am always tired and there is never any money."  Let's see, I pay twelve hundred a month child support, get the kids off to school every morning and leave work early so I can drive them to appointments and activities in the afternoon.  I bring them back to you fed and ready for some homework and bed and you have it so tough.  Yes, that new thing called a real job in the real world can be very tiring but it was your choosing not mine. (sorry for the accidental sarcasm)  This lie comes in many forms but usually goes something like this, "have pity on me, the poor single mom just doing her best to get by with no help from you know who".

So many times money is on the list mentioned above.  Dept counseling is the way to tackle that issue not divorce.  How can supporting two households make the money go farther?  It doesn't, it makes it worse for everyone, especially the kids.  Now there is that much less to go around.

Family members can be the hardest to convince that an affair is the best thing for the children.  Assuming the husband is a good father, well liked and respected by both sides of the family, the news of a breakup can be a very sad thing.  Words like "is she crazy"  "what is she thinking" "they are such a perfect family, how could this happen" are thought and spoke by family from both sides.  In each of my cases no one ever saw it coming, myself included.  It was a total shock to everyone and I have heard a lot of bad things said about both of my wives by disturbed family members who could never understand breaking up a family with me as the father.  Family and close friends are the first to see through the lies.  She can go down her list of wrongs and they just sadly shake their heads.  They know better.

A woman's reputation is also something that should be considered before jumping into bed.  There are still some of us in the world that believe in the sanctity of marriage.  If the marriage cannot be fixed then it should be ended before other parties are involved.  There should always be some sort of effort made to save a marriage involving children.  It is only fair to the kids that both parents have done everything they could to work things out.  When everything has been tried and it really is in the best interest of the children for the parents to be divorced then that should become the priority, not boyfriends.  Divorce is tough enough without the complication of all of the extra emotions a third party brings.  People will make judgments about her based on their believe system.  Many hold true to the one above and will not respect a woman having an affair.  Few will come out and say it but the feelings will be there.

The other part of reputation was mentioned earlier.  She now becomes very popular with the single guys (and married ones for that matter).  This does not go away even if you marry her.  Everyone knows there is always a chance with this girl, and don't think they won't try.  All one has to do is be with her at just the right time, like you were, and you never know.

Keep these things in mind when you fall in love with a married woman.  If you really love her, and respect her, sleeping with her is not the way to show it.  Look down the road, the weeks and months to come, see what you will both have to go through before you are a happy family.  A family involving children who wished they had both their parents back because the going back and forth between houses really sucks.  Affairs with children involved is never as easy as it first appears.

Keep in mind also that the time to meet the children is after the divorce.  Being introduced as the boyfriend while mommy is still married is the worst thing you can do to a child.  You are forcing that child into embarrassment, humiliation and lies.  We all know the strategy that the women will love you more when she sees how much you love her kids.  Avoid this type of situation at all cost.  It is the absolute worst thing you can do to a child.  You are already doing far more than enough to mess up their lives.  Show a little bit of intelligence and leave the kids out of it.

Part of sharing the children and the going back and forth involves some kind of relationship with the ex husband.  How will that relationship work when he knows, and never forgets, that you slept with his wife?  Some guys have the allusion they will just slip in and replace this father and ex husband.  It seldom works that way, especially since we are talking about real parents here.  Visitation or joint custody will require frequent encounters with this man.  The better the relationship between all the parents involved the better the parenting goes.

Here are my very personal thoughts on the men who have slept with my wives.  The first man lived out of state.  My biggest fear was that my wife and children would go live with this man and I would not be a parent on a daily bases.  That fear overpowered my thoughts about this mans moral values and parenting abilities.  It turned out he was just in it for the fun and the move never took place.  The man that did become the new step dad came along after the divorce and we got along great.

My current situation involves a man in the same town.  After the divorce we all plan to live in the same area.  I plan to see my daughter everyday and work with her mom to finish raising her.  This will at some point involve a relationship with the new step dad.  I thought I was friends with this man and he stabbed me in the back, so to speak.  He has been having a very open affair with my wife for some time now and plans to marry her.  My wife has introduced him to our daughter as her new boy friend.  He says he loves my wife and my daughter.  I am still living with my wife and daughter while we work through the details of a divorce.  He has already shown me how much my friendship means to him.  He has shown me his values and they are not the ones I am trying to raise my daughter with.  My goal is to send her to college just like her sisters, not raise her child.  The message she is getting from him and her mom has me scared to death.  I question this mans intelligence since I think so far he has made all of the wrong decisions.  I am really angry at him for the humiliation he has put my wife through.  Their motto seams to be that they don't care what anyone thinks about them, they were meant to be together and that makes everything all right.  I have always wanted my family and friends to look up to me and respect me.  I could not imagine telling them their opinion of me means nothing.

I think you get the point, I do not like or respect this man in any way.  He wants to move in and take over my family.  He wants to raise my daughter and live in a place I call home.  He wants everything that is important to me right now and there really are no words to explain how I feel about him, as hard as I am trying.  My wife loves him and I respect her enough to leave him alone.  For right now I can go about my life and pretend he does not exist.  That will last just a short time, then we will have to start dealing with each other as dad and step dad.

Those were the thoughts of the man whose life you are ruining, the man you will be trying to parent a child with.  Is going into the job of being a step dad after having done that to the real dad really in the best interest of the child you claim to love?  In this case you are dealing with an outstanding parent, one that will somehow find a way to make this work as best possible for the child.  Not all of you guys will be so lucky, some custody exchanges have to be done in the presence of police because the wounds have never healed.

So now you are all moved in and ready to be a super dad.  I was very threatened my first time around that a new daddy was going to take over my job.  It never happened.  I learned very quickly that kids, teenagers especially, need and want only one dad.  If the real dad is doing his job the other man is just a friend and someone their mom hangs out with.  Most forms of parenting by you will be resented and create distance between you and the child.  The child has a dad and she is not looking for a replacement.  Everyone can use a new friend.  That's what the kids are hoping you will be, nothing more.

I asked one of my daughters how she felt about her moms new husband and this was her response "I don't love him and I don't hate him, he is just there".  Step parenting with two active parents is not easy.  The kids already have moms rules and dads rules and are not looking for any more.  Mom and dad should be parenting as a team just like they always have and you need to be supportive of the decisions that are made by them.  It is not your place to try to tell either parent they are doing it wrong or to reinvent parenting on a child who was doing just fine without you.

I would like to finish this page with some advice for husbands having to deal with the break up of their family.  If affairs and children are part of your reality at this time, this is for you.  From the very moment you know something is up start focusing your thoughts towards the children.  Your job now is to consider the children with every decision you make.  Think about how all of your actions will effect them.  Divorce may not be the best thing for kids but it does not have to ruin them.  Start making good choices now and help them get through with minimal damage.  If your wife is in love with another man her thoughts are not with you any longer.  Fighting, pleading, begging and even reasoning will get you no where.  Why?  She has made that list and now has to live with it.  All you do at this point is to make that list longer.  The more she has to validate herself to you the longer the list becomes.  Keep the list short and focus your attentions on the children.  They need you more than she does right now.

Child Custody Strategies for 2009

I have not meant to stand on a pulpit and preach to anyone.  I have not meant to make myself appear better than anyone else or to throw stones when I should be the one stoned.  I have discussed some of the ways an affair might be viewed by others.  I have not even brought up religion which would open up another page or two of discussion.  Consider my next statement carefully and don't think it is coming from some saint who has never sinned.  When you first see signs that your marriage is over become squeaky clean.  This is not so that you can stand in moral judgment over your wife and her boyfriend.  It is so you can make good decisions, seek help when needed and look like the best dad in the world to everyone you come in contact with.  Looking like the best dad in the world will accomplish two things.  You will be there for your children trying hard to be that great dad.  You will also be gathering a long list of names should you ever need them in court.

Alcohol should be the first thing to go.  There is nothing worse than a broken hearted drunk.  You can ask any bartender about that.  You need to be able to make good decisions at all times.  You need to avoid fights and arguments that might arise from alcohol related emotions.  You may find it necessary to do a lot more driving at this time to make sure the kids get where they need to be.  Let them know they can count on you to keep their lives moving along smoothly.  A DUI at this point in your life could be very costly to you and your children, don't take the chance.  Celebrate the final divorce if you wish but stay dry until then.

Take some time at this stage of the process and learn about divorce.  Learn the laws of your state.  Read about women, love and divorce.  Read about joint parenting and life after marriage.  The more you learn the better you can help your children.  Seek help from counselors if you need to.  You need to stay healthy and clear thinking to be there for your children at all times.  Find the help you need to make sure this happens.  Watch your children closely and seek help for them also if you feel they need it.  Kids can hide a lot inside so keep them talking and learn to really listen.  Yes, listening is something that needs to be learned for most of us guys.  Start here to learn more about the art of listening and getting your children to talk so you have something to listen to.

If at all possible keep your divorce out of the hands of lawyers and judges.  If both parties agree to everything the judge will usually OK the divorce with no changes.  If things go bad and it does come down to a judges decision you want to look your best.  When it comes to custody the moms still have the upper hand.  This holds true even if she was unfaithful.  Some judges will give weight to marital indiscretions but don't count on it.  Just be sure that if you have to appear before a judge to get custody of your children that you have walked tall and proud.  Make sure you have done everything right and that you have been there for the children through the bad and the ugly.  You should be able to fill a court room with witnesses that will support you and your right to parent your children.  Be squeaky clean.

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Other related pages at Parenting Magic

Divorce and Child Custody : Divorce : Dealing With A Step Child