Discipline for Children

with love and knowledge

One truly magical aspect of parenting is the importance of a child's first four years. If you do a lot of things right during this time the rest will go so much smoother. One of the things that must be done right at this time is discipline.

I find it very hard to believe that a baby can be spoiled. I feel a baby should be changed when they are wet, fed whenever they are hungry and comforted when they are crying. Until children begin to learn communication skills you must assume that crying is a sign of discomfort. I have gone on many long walks with a colic prone child in my arms trying to put her to sleep. I would do that any time over letting a child cry themselves to sleep. As children begin to learn our language "no" becomes a very important word. That is the word that will keep our baby's safe and allow them to become teenagers. Teach that word very well. At that young age this is very easy to do. When you use the word "no" physically take your child through the action and physically prevent him from doing it again. I prefer this method of discipline over swatting a toddler whenever they get into something they are not supposed to. When you take that child by the arms and force them to put something down and move away you are also creating a situation where you can redirect the child to a better activity and share some love and support at the same time.

The toddler stage is the perfect and most important time to teach and practice discipline. I learned long ago that to discipline a child in front of his family or peers was bad for their self-esteem. I still believe that today. My parents and in-laws still joke to this day about the way I would ask my girls to behave or we would go in the next room and have a talk. We didn't have to many of these talks, but when we did, the adults would love to peek around the corner and find me on my knees looking face to face with my daughter. I would then take her hands and place them to the sides of her face, covered by my own. Now she was looking right at me and I had her full attention. I would then tell her that she was a very good girl but what she was doing was not acceptable. I went on to explain that if I had to talk to her again about this that she would have to leave the room for time out (or whatever punishment was feasible at the time).

There are many things to consider in the above example. I did not punish my child in front of her peers and make her suffer the humiliation of a public spanking or scolding. I very nicely asked her to change her behavior. If she had done so at this point she would have had the great feeling of knowing I had treated her like a grown up and she had responded in a mature manor. When my request failed I took her into a different room to have our talk. Now it's just me and her. She will not be showing off for her friends and I will not be humiliating her. I feel physical contact is an important part of discipline. This is your last chance to let your child know that you love them and think they are to good to be acting like this. Try to convince them that they are to good of a kid to be acting like this and make sure they know how much you love them, because if this little talk does not solve the problem you have to pull the rug out from under them. Explain to them exactly what will happen if they do not mind and then follow through. Never threaten a child with a punishment you do not intend to use. Always follow through with exactly what you told them you would do. This is my "ask - tell - promise" philosophy for getting my children to obey. I have ask her nicely to behave. I then took her aside and I told her to behave and I told her exactly what would happen if she did not. The promise is just a follow through with what you said would happen. At this point there should be no more chances, no begging, no ignoring the situation in hopes it will go away. Do it. When they learn you are serious your requests will seldom get to the promise stage. If you use the tell stage to spell out exactly what the consequences of not obeying will be, and if you are consistent, they will soon start responding at the ask stage. They know if they don't they will have to go and have "that talk". It becomes a better choice to just obey.

This principal does work like magic. When the kids get a little older I change the tactic just a little. I feel that treating a child like a grownup every chance I get is important. This is a big self-esteem builder. As the children get older I allow a short response between the ask and the tell. This is the time that, if the child is acting in a mature manor, that I will listen to a very short reason as to why my request should be cancelled or modified. I do listen, and if the child's point is valid, and my needs in making the initial request are still being met, then my child has benefited with a win-win situation. After I have listened to her point of view I then make my decision. At this point also, if the decision did not go in her favor, I spell out the consequences for disobeying. Whether it's no TV for a week or no friends over tomorrow, she knows exactly what the consequences will be. I seldom have to follow through but when I do I know the punishment is just and necessary.

Practice good discipline early in your child's life. Be consisted and fair. Make sure your children know exactly what will happen if they don't obey. They will soon learn to make better choices.